Saturday, April 3, 2010

The start of our Journey

(edited, and added 5-5)

From the very begining this pregnancy was different, and full of unfamilar surprises. I knew I was pregnant with in days of conceiving. Morning sickness right away. My first pregnancy test was neg, because of how early I tested. I should have know then that i was in for a long haul. I should have known this one would be anything but normal.

When i was about 5 weeks along I started to miscarry. I have "been there, done that" so many times, that i was waiting it out at home. I started bleeding heavily, and having some sharp pains. This was concerning So I made an apt. I knew I was losing the baby. In my mind no baby would have made it through that. Plus the pains made me fear an etopic pregnancy. But I was not prepared for the news I found at the drs office (well part of me was, but still came as a shock).

"Yes Debra" the dr says," you are miscarring, but at this point I see two sacks." One sac that was already empty. "But you have a strong beating heatbeat in the other sack"

Its a typical thing, I was told. But still hard. I almost had twins. How sweet would that have been. It is hard to deal with the emotions that come with losing a twin when one survives. Or grieve a loss when you are trying to hold onto the other. Its bitter sweet. It is wonderful that you are pregnant and carrying a life, but sad that you lost one. Its a blessing, with a tradgety all combined.

The dr told me that in most cases the twin will miscarry then everything will absorb, and the second baby will go to term "Happens all the time" I left the drs office that day not knowing how to feel. Or how I did feel.

I expected the miscarry to be over quickly, like all my others. Then it just got worse. I was now sure I was going to lose the second baby. I was bleeding so much that I was mins away from an ER trip, 9 o'clock one night. It eased up so i went to bed and saw the dr the next day. Our little baby was still doing great in his little home. The dr said we will just take it one day at a time. I continued to bleed until i was almost 18 weeks. Everyday I thought would be the day I lost my baby. Its rough to think that way, but i thought it was inevitable. This whole time I was on 'light' work. AKA no working out, no heavy lfting etc. My husband and I talked many times about losing him, and still 'knowing it was just a matter of time.' At 18 weeks I finally breathed. I was no longer bleeding. WE MADE IT! He was going to make it. YEAH!!!! Right? NOPE!

Aprox 2 weeks later I was just standing and talking to my hubby, and i felt something all too familiar. *sigh* My water broke. I just could not believe it. We made it half way, I could not bare the thought of delievering a baby at 20 weeks. He would look perfect...but would be way to early.

We got to the hospital. Oh, it was horrible. We were in the middle of the swine flu lock (aka nobody even your own children under 18 could come into the maternity ward) I was on my own. My husband had the kids, and I was in the hospital. Knowing what was ahead for me. Me delievering the baby on my own with no one to hold my hand, nobody to cry with me, and me saying goodbye to my precious baby before i even had a chance to say hello. They did the ultra sound first thing. I found out that he was a boy. He deserved a name, evenif he was only 20 weeks and even if he wasnt going to make it. It was easy. He was David. My little David.

I had just changed insurance so this was the first time I meet my new dr. He said that he wanted to induce. David was alive, it a bad situation but still alive. And he still wanted to induce. He had a good reason, in his mind. He said my risks of infection were to great. He said if I got an infection I might lose my uterus. I could even die. So his best option was induce. I said no. He came back with numbers. 60 percent chance of an infection if I wait. He said labor normal starts with in a weeks anyway. Well I wasnt in labor, and 40 percent that i wouldnt get an infection isnt bad. (honestly i would have fought it with only one percent- if not less). I had to get direct for him to drop the induction talk. He didnt mention it again that night. But did give me a lot of sideways looks. I went home, knowing, labor was going to start. After all my body knows what it is doing. water breaks. Babies come.

I knitted a hat for Little David to be burried it (yes I was preparing myslef for his death, it was the most likely senario, not the one i liked, but likely). A teeny, tiny. Little hat. Oh my gosh, how heart wrenching. But I needed to be prepared, he wasnt 'supose to' survive. I needed David to have something special. Something from his momma. The next day I went into the hospital with *labor pains* I had a new dr, he gave me the same risk factors, scary outcomes, etc. But I wasnt in labor, wasnt dialated...I could go home (and continue to wait for labor...I was like a ticking bomb). And he would supprt any decision I made. To induce. No thanks. Or to 'take my chances.' Yup I took my chances. I carried that hat with my for...well It still in my purse....and we will keep it.

I got transfered to a high risk dr right away, and a new hospital that has a NICU (the other hospital didnt have these), I was now is great hands..

  To read the following in order, start at the bottom,
they are going to decrease the airflow tomorrow his cpap and see how he does...he is doing amazingly well.
I know it takes a while to get milk established, but i am having my moments of discouragement. I got about 1 1/2 an oz at one nursing..whoo hoo, but about an 1/8 of a teaspoon the next....but the milk just came in and i know it takes time, so i am trying to be patient.
I am doing alright physically, but still feeling run down, and did have a fever again last night, but now i am on my 2nd day of meds, so i should be feeling better tomorrow, the pain from the c-section is less, and i am getting around more, but still using the pain meds at the min hours.
I had a WONDERFUL visit today, but it was sooooooo hard to leave today, the hardest yet. I got to change his diaper again, they took off his cpap to clean his mouth, face, and suction him, so i got to see and touch is WHOLE FACE, and i got an amazing picture...i will upload tonight and try and post tomorrow...He is amazing...
I got to hold him again for about an was my longest visit at one sitting (2 hours) and i could have just sat there all day....
I am holding it together emotionally, but boy is it hard, and every so often i dont....this has been a long journey,but so so so worth the bed rest, i cant believe how long he help on, i am constantly feeling amazed and blessed. ah
and again (and i can never say this enough) I got through this easier with your love, support, encouragement and prayers! I could never express how much your support has blessed my life!
april 1st
I am home!!! I did break down and cried when we pulled up at home, when it really sunk in that David wasnt with me, it helps that my 13 month old is so happy to see me that she wont even leave my sigth, she has even started
keeping pace with me, ans walking like me, side ways, backwards etc (which ever feels best for that moment.
I did have to take a trip to the er wed night, i was home about 2 hours when i got a fever, got up to 101.8, they gave me antibiotics through an iv, did lots of blood work, and when my fever broke (with in a few hours) they sent me home, with oral meds. They said i was soooo anemic that if i hadnt been use to being on bedrest i wouldnt even be able to walk around with how anemic my body was, but the way i was he was happy to see i still had energy. I am on lots of iron, and they expect everything to go well with me from here...My incision looks great, and i feel just sore, not really bad or anything.
The trip to the er was a pain no doubt, however going back to the hospital David had progressed even more that when i stopped by before going home I GOT TO HOLD HIM, i mean skin to skin, him on me holding!!!!!!!!! He is off the ventilator , and is on some "positive air" its called a c-PAp (i think) just goes in the nose, and pushes air into the lung, keeping the lungs open, but he is breathing 100 percent on his own!!!!!!
Yesterday we went back and i got to hold him again, he heard my voice, and got excited, kicked his legs, they picked him up to give him to me, and he started winning, but as soon as he was on me he sighed, and then didnt move the whole time, when they tool him back (AN HOUR LATER!!!!) he wasnt happy, wanted momma back...ahhh both a blessing for my heart, and a tear jerking moment.
Ack, we did the math, and each visit is $13 in gas...we (hubby) briefly talked about not seeing him everyday, oh that broke my heart in two, and i just broke down and cried, The thought of not seeing him was..sigh, you all know, SO hubby said we will make it work. That means i will be able to see him everyday this coming week!!!!!! That made my heart smile, but woa...
our next difficulty is going to be when hubby starts work back up on monday, he will be home, but cant leave til 5 since so we cant fit the trips into the day (its a 40 min drive one way) so the trips will be late, and short. I keep telling myself at least i can see him (and that makes my heart sore), and 3 weeks will pass soon, and then i can drive myself, and just camp out near him all day..
My visit with David- I was looking at his head, so full of hair (thick-soft-black). I just wanted to feel the softness. My hand cover all his head, and half his face. He loved it. He curled his legs in, got very still, and it felt as tho he moved his head into my hand (maybe just sensed the touch), you could tell it gave him comfort and peace. That was the highlight of my evening. I will see him tomorrow, and then I will be heading home. Until I heal I will be able to spend a very limited time with him, but once I am cleared to drive I will spend the first half of the day at home, second half with him, so please pray for my heart. I am going to miss the time I don't see him.. (And that's a huge understatement)
His updates, he is on the ventilator at 20 percent_ whoo hoo! Weaned off meds except low levels of one. He is beautiful, amazing, precious, and so wonderful, one glance fills your heart so full of love and joy that there's no room for anything else...
And, *yeah* I am producing 1/2 an oz (and climbing) every two hours of milk *and yippee*
My visit was awesome, I got to touch him for 45 mins, got to see all of him....and GOT TO CHANGE HIS DIAPER, never in a million years would I think that would make me so happy, but relaying it to hubby, and typing it now is just bringing on the tears lol....
He is doing soooooo good, the dr said they are going to try and wean him off the ventilator all together tonight- or tomorrow, and put in a less invasive noise tubes ...they are taking tiny steps forward, and so far none backwards (but they do expect some backward steps here and there) he is off the nitro, and also is weaning off or mostly off the other meds they have him on (blood pressure, and a sedative)
I also GOT MILK (well colostrum) only about a teaspoon, but that's more then enough for his first feeding (that feeding won't be for a few more days anyway)
David is making hourly improvements, he has moved from the heavy duty ventilator, to the normal ventilator, we still have a long road, but we have made it so far, and since yesterday alone he has made so many improvements
That we are all optimistic
I am starting to get around a little easier, so I am able to see David better, and able to touch him a lot more, he loves to have his legs squished up, and he does well with touch (although can get easily over stimulated) he opened his eyes for me....and I had a wonderful visit with him tonight...
march 28th David is here
This morning very soon after I woke up, I felt something weird come out....I knew what it was with in a few seconds (the cord, was on its way out...but wait, i am not even in labor), I called the nurse, with in 5 seconds I had about3 nurses, my dr and a few others in my wonderful nurse, acted quickly and pushed the cord back up (i learned later that David held the nurses finger from the time she stepped in to the time the surgeons hand reached in, she said it was a total and amazing blessing to her)... david did well, I was completely out, he was born with in 15 mins from the time i called the nurses...I woke up a while after....they did have to resuscitate, but didnt take much (totally normal at this age they said) then he started trying to breath on his own -but he was too little, and had such poor lungs to do much work, he was doing poor at the beginning, they did ALL the lung steps (i dont rememeber what they were I just rememeber there were 3), and he wasn't doing great (you could tell the neo dr was concerned) well, about 7 hours after birth he was breathing 25 percent room air....and that's major, and terrific news!!!!! And ahuge turn around, and his dr is now happy (still no where near being out of the woods) he is 2 lb 15 oz, and yes big for his gest age (I think weight wise he is closer to 31 weeks) oh, and he is beautiful, absolutely beautiful....I have a pic on my phone, and should be able to transfer it in the next few days
Anyway, if I was at home he would not have survived with the cord that way, and my nurse was amazing...
I am doing well sore of course, but good...I tried pumping today and they say it might take a few days to come In, so we will keep pumping and wait patiently for it to come in ...he can't have any for the next few days anyway, and when he does it will be about a teaspoon a day (he will be on a preemie supplement to try and fatten him up)
thanks for everything, I am happy to have been sharing this hard journey with you all, and I will continue to update you all
I am sitting here, on total bed rest, feeling totally blessed. I am 27 weeks (he has been holding on for 7 weeks!), and David is still growing The sun is shinning in my window (and this is oregon so thats a big deal lol). Theres a tree right out side my window that was still brown last week, the leaves today are green and beautiful. I have been told by 2 nurses that i have the best veiw of all the momma rooms one nurse said blossoms will be on this tree in just a few weeks, and she wants me here to see them. They are all so sweet here, and even though there are many patience here i feel like i am being watched after all the time (but with all my "issues" and constant monitoring i am being watched over very well)
David still looks great, having braxton hix type of pains, nothing big, and he is handling them well, i am dilated to a 2, but have been that way for a few days, he is still butt down, but the nurses have strick orders to do an u-s when labor starts, and the dr admitts that they are all puzzled that with such low fluid he is able to turn so often, so maybe one more big turn will be instore.
I did have something weird happen today. I had started miscarring the twin at 5-6 weeks, u-s said it took a few weeks (well a bunch of weeks), but we thought he had been absorbed, that all started 20 weeks ago, wow, today the miscarriage of davids twin finally finished, (it wasnt much- just tiny looking tissue but it was jus the weirdest thing) This has been the weirdest pregnancy ever (well for me)
Anyway thats me, and my updates...I saw my kids on sunday, cuddled with most of them in my bed, and will see them tomorrow, i get daily pics, videos and texts from my hubby, of all them, it so nice he is doing it for me...Does make me want to reach through my phone and grab them
Thanks for sharing this journey with me
I am almost 27 weeks, in the hospital and will be here for the duration of my pregnancy, I know a lot of you have been following me on this journey, and sending lots of loves, thoughts, love and i will continue to update, with any big changes, but we are hoping baby stays put for another bunch of weeks.
There have been no changes since my last post, so baby is looking good, and his head is down, we are just taking it one day at a time:goodvibes:
I now have internet at the hospital, ill see you all around

Everything is the same....Sitting all day, and taking care of baby and me. He is still active in my tummy, and I am still having fliud issues...I forgot, at my last apt (last wed) there was a consern that the cord was under the baby, but it looks like it might be slipping in and out. We dont want it under the baby; the cord would be delieved first, and then would cut off blood flow to baby...I tried to get a full understanding and asked the dr but I think even for her there were to many questions, to give a complete answer. I am not sure if the cord underneath would mean c-section, or it its just completly bad all around.. (the dr seems really nervous about it at first, and then said, it seems to be moving in and out of that position) I dont know... But its another consern.
I am 25 weeks today... wow has it been 5 weeks, And we know we got a fighter here....Oh how i hope he holds on another month (wouldnt that be awesome)...but if we are throwing out hopes, wishes- and of course prayers...Lets reach for the stars, and say lets make it to term, and be a strong healthy little man:hugs:

todays apt;
24 weeks 2 days old.....1lb 14 oz estimated, highest pocket of fluid levels are 5cm, on strict bedrest...thats the basics of the apt..too tired for any other updates
2-23 update
no changes in either direction with me- baby, everything is day to day the same. My apts are tomorrow, late in the day. I will post thurs

hanging in there, no changes, (might be good tho, no fever, no bad signs for me) but still having fliud issues, so bag is still open...feeling the baby move:thumbsup:, NO CONTRACTIONS STILL :thumbsup: baby is 23 weeks (and they said the baby would be born with in a week of the bag rupture...almost 3 weeks ago)...we see the neo dr next wed, as well as the perinatal ob for another full ultra sound.
My biggest concern is the babies lungs- not only due to being premature, but with the low levels of fliud the lungs cant mature even if baby did make it to to term , the lungs might be damage from the low levels of fluid now, Last ob apt the fluids were just at the lowest exceptable level for lung developement, but the week prior it was lower, and this week- is still to see..
My biggest fear is having the baby survive all this, then still having to say goodbye, because his lungs were so damaged at this stage...I still have hope, but worried


I am really starting to *feel* all this..)-: and its so hard. The staying off my feet is soooo hard, but yes worth it! I am so bored....and tired of having to sit all day....I tell you, s
ad and stir crazy dont really go well together. But I am holding on...
BUT- (BLEEDING STOPPED)!!! bleeding (had some very tiny bits prior) started yesterday, and the bag is still not re-seald. I am almost 23 weeks (i cant believe its been 2 weeks, and at the same time, I cant believe its only been two weeks- sigh)
I still have hope...because I must, but i cant imagine (esp now with the bleeding) that he is going to hold on much longer...
2-11 update

Saw the high risk dr yesterday, The bag is still leaking, I am still on bedrest (with a very helpful and supportive family) I still have a high chance of infection, and a very low chance of baby surviving. However, even through the leaking bag, I have managed to hold in just enough fluids that it is still extremely low, but the perintology thinks it is *just* enough for the baby to continue to thrive. It also has impoved slightly, but agian still barely there.
I go again in 2 weeks for another ultra sound, and will also see the neonatal dr then.
Things still are scary, low chance, etc...But my little boy held on through the passing of his twin, and weeks, and weeks of bleeding, so I KNOW he is a fighter...

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